Newark International Airport: Catching Ls like Chad Catches Bodies

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NEWARK, NJ - DECEMBER 27: A stranded traveler rests in the baggage claim area of Newark Liberty International Airport Terminal B following a major blizzard on December 27, 2010 in Newark, New Jersey. The family spent the night at the airport when a massive snow storm with gusty winds and towering snow drifts closed all three New York-area airports and stranded thousands of travelers. (Photo by Jeff Zelevansky/Getty Images)

Let me preface this post by saying how much I usually enjoy flying out of EWR.  The new United gate is pretty nice, well kept, and has quite a few options for food.  The airport also is pretty easy to uber in and out of without much hassle.  Now that all the niceties are out of the way, let’s get to why EWR deserves a massive L.

On Sunday as I was flying out to Florida, we boarded our plane at 5:20 expecting to leave at the departure time of 5:55.  The pilot told us we couldn’t leave yet due to a minor maintenance issue which was to be expected.  An hour passes by, and us passengers start thinking “what the fuck is going on bro?”.  The pilot gets on and says “air traffic control is saying the storms are pretty bad here and so they want all arriving flights to land before departures can start.”

I look outside, and what do I see?  A perfectly sunny day.  A FUCKING SUNNY ASS DAY WHERE I CAN GO OUTSIDE AND FUCKING GET BURNT LIKE A TOMATO BECAUSE OF HOW SUNNY IT IS.

So then, people were really beginning to question whether the pilot was a retard or this wasn’t the entire story.  Another 40 minutes pass, and the pilot gets on the microphone and announces that we’re deplaning due to the delays.  WTF.

We the passengers angrily collect our shit out of the plane and drag ourselves back to the gate and notice that 99% of the surrounding gates were also deplaned.  I started asking around as to why people were kicked off, with the answers ranging from weather in the midwest to some guy blacked out and started screaming at people (just kidding).

However, one thing stood out to me that made the most sense.  The pilot on one of the flights told passengers that, you ready for this, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL’S SYSTEM CRASHED, and thus flights were in a state of limbo arriving/departing from the gates.

I ended up getting on my flight 5 hours after it was expected to depart, and ultimately got to my hotel at 2:30 AM when I had a 9 AM meeting the next day.

TL/DR: Real sweet EWR.  Maybe you should invest your hard earned taxpayer money in some new software that doesn’t royally fuck up travel plans for thousands of people?  Here’s your honorary indoctrination into the Shrine of L’s.

Let us know what you think of EWR and if you have had any negative airport experiences which are worthy of Ls in the comments below.

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