Here I am, minding my own business on a dreary little Saturday afternoon. Whilst defecating in the comfort of my own home, I took to the always boring and never controversial platform of Twitter to pass the time. As I’m scrolling past the numerous Tik Tok and Friday Beers videos (love these), I notice a tweet that catches my eye. Why you ask? Because it just so happens to contain a neat little hashtag #CoronavirusOutbreak on the body of the tweet. You know, the incredibly infectious and deadly disease currently running rampant through China right now. The one that apparently has gotten so bad Chinese authorities are shutting down travel in and out of the city where the virus originated (World War Z anybody? Planet of the Apes? Can’t wait to see how this one plays out).
According to the tweet by EHA News:
#CoronavirusOutbreak may be linked to bat soup sold at Wuhan market— EHA News (@eha_news) January 23, 2020
It has been claimed that the deadly strain shares a common ancestor with a virus found only in fruit bats.
Bat soup is reported to be an unusual but popular dish particularly in Wuhanpic.twitter.com/prGVZshyQ0
Excuse me, what the FUCK did you just say? BAT SOUP?! People are eating bats now? Better yet, this is how a deadly virus potentially started? A fellow human, of our evolved Homo sapien species, saw a bat one day and thought, “Hey you know what? I might throw that hideous looking black mound of fur with wings in a bowl of piping hot broth and eat that thing with chopsticks.”
Would you please excuse me while I take the time to not only react to discovering eating bat soup is a thing, but that it is also the very thing that may (allegedly) be the cause of this new virus going around:
What the fuck is going on here people! WE LIVE IN A MODERN SOCIETY. If we’re still eating bats in 2020 then we are really doing ourselves a disservice. If this video is any indication of how good this meal is, than why even bother? She was holding this thing like it was a dirty diaper with a smell so rancid it was peeling the wallpaper from the walls. The most reluctant hold I’ve ever seen. She couldn’t even muster up a single bite.
Let’s take a walk down memory lane for a second. Remember when your parents would make you try some shitty vegetable (still have nightmares about 6 year old me eating steamed broccoli) when you were a young child? You would bite into whatever it is you were trying and instantly wanted to spit it out? But you couldn’t spit it out otherwise you would have gotten yelled at. So what did you do? You sat at the table with the, “I just accidentally saw my mom getting out of the shower naked” uneasy look on your face because you had that shit just sitting on the side of your mouth. A wad of disgusting mush that you were just counting the seconds until you could dispose of it in any way possible. This is what the lady in the video would have done but SHE COULDN’T EVEN TAKE A BITE. We couldn’t even get there with the bat soup, people. The amount of joy on this woman’s face made it seem like she was sitting in the orthodontist’s office getting fitted for a retainer rather than biting into some scrumptious little bat wing. That’s how bad this bat soup must have tasted. As a notoriously picky eater, I always get shit from people who say, “You won’t know if you like it unless you try it!”. Well here I am assholes. I’m here to tell you that I am unequivocally marking this one under the, “I don’t even have to try it to know I won’t like it” category and this proves that you can indeed know you hate something without trying it first. I am now, and forever will be, Anti-Bat Soup.