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If you eat Bat Soup you pretty much deserve to die


Here I am, minding my own business on a dreary little Saturday afternoon. Whilst defecating in the comfort of my own home, I took to the always boring and never controversial platform of Twitter to pass the time. As I’m scrolling past the numerous Tik Tok and Friday Beers videos (love these), I notice a tweet that catches my eye. Why you ask? Because it just so happens to contain a neat little hashtag #CoronavirusOutbreak on the body of the tweet. You know, the incredibly infectious and deadly disease currently running rampant through China right now. The one that apparently has gotten so bad Chinese authorities are shutting down travel in and out of the city where the virus originated (World War Z anybody? Planet of the Apes? Can’t wait to see how this one plays out).

According to the tweet by EHA News:


Excuse me, what the FUCK did you just say? BAT SOUP?! People are eating bats now? Better yet, this is how a deadly virus potentially started? A fellow human, of our evolved Homo sapien species, saw a bat one day and thought, “Hey you know what? I might throw that hideous looking black mound of fur with wings in a bowl of piping hot broth and eat that thing with chopsticks.”

Would you please excuse me while I take the time to not only react to discovering eating bat soup is a thing, but that it is also the very thing that may (allegedly) be the cause of this new virus going around: 

What the fuck is going on here people! WE LIVE IN A MODERN SOCIETY. If we’re still eating bats in 2020 then we are really doing ourselves a disservice. If this video is any indication of how good this meal is, than why even bother? She was holding this thing like it was a dirty diaper with a smell so rancid it was peeling the wallpaper from the walls. The most reluctant hold I’ve ever seen. She couldn’t even muster up a single bite.

Let’s take a walk down memory lane for a second. Remember when your parents would make you try some shitty vegetable (still have nightmares about 6 year old me eating steamed broccoli) when you were a young child? You would bite into whatever it is you were trying and instantly wanted to spit it out? But you couldn’t spit it out otherwise you would have gotten yelled at. So what did you do? You sat at the table with the, “I just accidentally saw my mom getting out of the shower naked” uneasy look on your face because you had that shit just sitting on the side of your mouth. A wad of disgusting mush that you were just counting the seconds until you could dispose of it in any way possible. This is what the lady in the video would have done but SHE COULDN’T EVEN TAKE A BITE. We couldn’t even get there with the bat soup, people. The amount of joy on this woman’s face made it seem like she was sitting in the orthodontist’s office getting fitted for a retainer rather than biting into some scrumptious little bat wing. That’s how bad this bat soup must have tasted. As a notoriously picky eater, I always get shit from people who say, “You won’t know if you like it unless you try it!”. Well here I am assholes. I’m here to tell you that I am unequivocally marking this one under the, “I don’t even have to try it to know I won’t like it” category and this proves that you can indeed know you hate something without trying it first. I am now, and forever will be, Anti-Bat Soup. 

Frat or Not Frat?

Jersey Shore star’s girlfriend arrested for domestic violence

Ronnie baby, what is you doing?!
Not a good look bud! I’m randomly scrolling through twitter and I see this gem of a headline that is somehow the least surprising thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on. His baby momma (don’t offend me by telling me it’s his girlfriend, Complex) dragging his ass through the streets in a car after they got in a fight is hardly news at this point. Trouble in paradise? Get out of town! Ronnie going through a public display of drama with a psycho chick, well you don’t say. It wouldn’t shock me if this wasn’t the first time. If we’re being honest, if anyone was going to get arrested for domestic violence in that relationship I woulda thought it woulda been ‘ole Ronnie boy. Every episode I watched back in the day I thought he was about to pull a Ray Rice before that was even a thing. If I learned anything from watching the new season of jersey shore however (I only made it through 3 episodes), it’s that these people are timeless. Those assholes would do anything to dial it back to 2009. That’s why they’re all botoxed to the fucking moon so they look and feel young again to keep that party going. But as we found out, Ronnie can’t be with Sam anymore so he’s decided to move on with his life. And by move on I mean date a fucking clone of Sammy and continue to have the most chaotic love life known to man. Never change Ron!




Frat or Not Frat?